The Letter

I was dropping S at Kindy a few weeks ago when the mum of one of his classmates arrived at the same time. I immediately noticed that she did not look pregnant at all.

The last time I’d seen her was at a birthday party at least a month before and she was getting on about 20 weeks.  She was pregnant with another son. This would have been her second child and it was mildly implied in our brief conversation that making their way to baby no 2 had not been easy hence the big gap.

(Or maybe I made that assumption? I’m really wondering now. Is my brain filling in the blanks for someone else’s story because of my story?)

When she left I quietly asked the teacher if my fears were correct and they were. She’d had a late term loss. She must have been somewhere between 20-25 weeks. Stillbirth. So devastating. Awful awful loss.

I was completely shaken by this news. I wanted to grab her and hug her tight but how could I do that? I hardly know this woman.

When I returned home I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. It had really unsettled me. So I sat down and wrote her a letter, tears streaming down my cheeks with every word.

You often hear from mum’s of those who have experienced loss that they hate that no-one wants to talk about their baby. It is like that baby never existed. So I wanted to acknowledge her moment and convey my sorrow and let her know that I have some understanding of the heartache that can be involved in trying to build and extend a family should she be searching for someone to talk to.

I felt better once I wrote it but I haven’t given it to her yet (and we are about three weeks on). I can’t figure out if it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to be invasive and we don’t know each other well.

Does anyone have any insight to offer me on this one?

How would you feel about receiving a letter like this from someone you hardly knew?

8 thoughts on “The Letter”

  1. Oh gosh. People are terrified to talk about pregnancy loss. It was one of things that was SO hard when we were trying. Personally, if I received a letter about it, I’d be grateful that someone had taken the time to write it. Maybe I’d wonder a little bit about what I should do about it if I didn’t really know them very well. It might be good to say if you want to talk, you’re always available, but that never talking about it is also totally fine, just so she doesn’t feel like she has to avoid you in case you try to make her talk, if that makes sense?? How absolutely awful for her. No woman should have to go through that 🙁

    1. I loooooove this suggestion about giving her the option not to talk too. I think one of the reasons I haven’t given it to her already is that I felt it needed a rewrite. I am going to sit down with a clearer head the next day or so and do that and include your idea. Perfect. Thank you!!! And yes, it is completely devastating. I am still shedding tears on the inside. There it for the grace of god and all that. 🙁

    1. I’m going to! First a little rewrite to make it better and then I will pass it on. Thanks for the vote and yay, YOU FOUND ME!! I can’t blog without you here. Well I can but I don’t want to!! Xx

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