I just have to write here

Hello. Yes you aren’t seeing things on this on a weirdly auspicious day. I am actually here and I am actually writing for the first time in what feels like forever. Long enough at any rate.

I’m actually writing while I am all buzzed out on Valium waiting for the dentist (they’re prescription mind you, I’m not all self medicating illegally over here). So writing is hard today because my apparent opposable thumbs have other fun experiences but every now and then a word pops out so let’s just keep doing that and see what happens.

I feel the physical task being difficult to achieve is actually quite fitting today as the creative side of it has been so hard for me here for so long now, well almost since I started this site truth be told.

After creating this beautiful space that I had dreamed into reality all by myself I found myself so dealthy afraid of what I was doing. Why would anyone share their stories with me? Could I make the space of my dreams? Who I was to be inspiring?

I’M JUST A PERSON and I know I’m not the natural cult leader type that can bring a group of people together in that whooosh “here I am” kinda way; so what the hell was I even doing here? Cue FREAK OUT.

Getting over myself

So then I worked with all kinds of hard on getting over myself. I stopped worrying about who I was trying to be. Forgot the “joneses” (and man there are so many of those I adore in this online space) and just reminded myself to focus on my message and what I can offer other women in this world. It doesn’t matter if 17 or 1700 women find me (but please more than one), helping is helping.

You see, I have all these interesting stories that I know other women need to hear; those women struggling with infertility; those women struggling to find their way to a VBAC; those women who want and need a space to be raw about how parenting challenges them so much more than they expected. So I am putting myself up there as the champion of others. My stories were meant to inspire and help those who needed them at specific stages of life and through telling them I can bring all of those people together and that’s a pretty rad idea.

Kicking fear’s arse

Those goals feel so lofty. I feel like I’m standing here in a park on this freezing green grass and looking up to the hoop and wondering how I’m ever going to get a slam dunk in there.

But I know with certainty that the only way I’m never going to get that slam dunk is by walking away just like I walked away from this blog recently. And you know what? Nothing happened here when I did. Nada. So I need to get up and give up the idea of giving up.

But who am I to do this? I am only one person. Why would anyone specifically want support from ME? Am I so egotistical now that I think because I’ve been through a few shitty experiences I know how to build a village for others? I gotta tell you I know damn well nothing about building villages, y’all. But damn I’d really like to try one. The village isn’t for me though, it’s for you. I want you to all find each other.

I really was so afraid of not being enough here. It was deep down my biggest fear.

The not scared NOW part

I need to not be scared.

I need to keep building this page so it can be a resource to others. Where others may find amazing connections through the commets sections of posts to people who will be with them forever on their journey. I want to be the facilitator of those dream connections. I don’t need to be within each connection, I just need to help it ingnite.

This totally does happen. It happened to me right here on WordPress by floating around random infertility blogs. Finding that support team was one of the best things for me about blogging through my infertility journey. Those girls were my sisters and I still hold them close to my heart. You need people. It’s important.

People and love goddam it.

So here I am rambling on valium about my fears and ideas when what really I want to convey is that I am coming back to this space and I’m going to try my level best to make it truly great.

After all

We are great. We are warrior women. We can achieve great things. Even the moving mountains kind of things.

We DO achieve great things.

And even greater things are there for us all if we want to face our fears and reach out and grab them.

I’m facing my fear. I’m reaching out. This is my time to do something and see if I can’t be the facilitator of some hope and love. That’s what I’m peddling here. Hope and love. Want some? Then please stick around. There will be enough for you too.

PS Valium equals a lot of words. I edited in less of a state but tried to keep it true to the feeling. I hope it comes off well!

The INFERTILITY FILES

infertility IVF embryo

Hello and welcome to the infertility section of my site.

Infertility is fucked. Am I right? Sadly, I know I am.

I dealt with secondary infertility for over 2 years and it just plain old sucks.

For me, the infertility experience included 2 x chemical pregnancies, 3 x IUIs, 3 x full IVF cycles resulting in 45 eggs collected and no viable embryos, genetic testing and an endometriosis diagnosis.

I spent a lot of time reading and researching and talking right here online with other women walking through these same same but different moments. The women I met here online, the whole infertility community I became involved with, carried me through this experience. I am not kidding. I think I may have really lost it without their support. So it is really important to me to give back to this community so that maybe my lessons will be helpful to those still in the trenches.

This is me giving back.

Essentially what you are going to get here is my opinion about what happened to me. I am not a Dr, a scientist or a trained expert in this at all so you can’t take what I’ve said and do it “under my recommendations”. I wish I could give you the magic secrets to cure your woes but unfortunately I’m not the magic secret holder. Maybe something I experienced though resonates with you and sends you on a journey that brings you success and if that’s the case then WAHOOOOO.

I will do some research from time to time on certain topics and when I do that I’ll be sure to include my references to help you out when you go off and investigate. I’m not conclusively recommending anything with any sort of training at all though so please, let us be cool with that.

I’ve made this category totally separate on my site because you may just want to come here and sign up only to read my infertility stuff. It is really hard to see content on parenting and babies when you are in that zone so by keeping this content in its own separate area I am trying to respect that. I’ve even made it possible for you to sign up to ONLY infertility posts on my blog. You can do that here.

May the craziness of this journey not entirely consume you and may your dreams be fulfilled.

The girl* with the stories.

Rachael xx

*do you think I can call myself girl at 40????