I just have to write here

Hello. Yes you aren’t seeing things on this on a weirdly auspicious day. I am actually here and I am actually writing for the first time in what feels like forever. Long enough at any rate.

I’m actually writing while I am all buzzed out on Valium waiting for the dentist (they’re prescription mind you, I’m not all self medicating illegally over here). So writing is hard today because my apparent opposable thumbs have other fun experiences but every now and then a word pops out so let’s just keep doing that and see what happens.

I feel the physical task being difficult to achieve is actually quite fitting today as the creative side of it has been so hard for me here for so long now, well almost since I started this site truth be told.

After creating this beautiful space that I had dreamed into reality all by myself I found myself so dealthy afraid of what I was doing. Why would anyone share their stories with me? Could I make the space of my dreams? Who I was to be inspiring?

I’M JUST A PERSON and I know I’m not the natural cult leader type that can bring a group of people together in that whooosh “here I am” kinda way; so what the hell was I even doing here? Cue FREAK OUT.

Getting over myself

So then I worked with all kinds of hard on getting over myself. I stopped worrying about who I was trying to be. Forgot the “joneses” (and man there are so many of those I adore in this online space) and just reminded myself to focus on my message and what I can offer other women in this world. It doesn’t matter if 17 or 1700 women find me (but please more than one), helping is helping.

You see, I have all these interesting stories that I know other women need to hear; those women struggling with infertility; those women struggling to find their way to a VBAC; those women who want and need a space to be raw about how parenting challenges them so much more than they expected. So I am putting myself up there as the champion of others. My stories were meant to inspire and help those who needed them at specific stages of life and through telling them I can bring all of those people together and that’s a pretty rad idea.

Kicking fear’s arse

Those goals feel so lofty. I feel like I’m standing here in a park on this freezing green grass and looking up to the hoop and wondering how I’m ever going to get a slam dunk in there.

But I know with certainty that the only way I’m never going to get that slam dunk is by walking away just like I walked away from this blog recently. And you know what? Nothing happened here when I did. Nada. So I need to get up and give up the idea of giving up.

But who am I to do this? I am only one person. Why would anyone specifically want support from ME? Am I so egotistical now that I think because I’ve been through a few shitty experiences I know how to build a village for others? I gotta tell you I know damn well nothing about building villages, y’all. But damn I’d really like to try one. The village isn’t for me though, it’s for you. I want you to all find each other.

I really was so afraid of not being enough here. It was deep down my biggest fear.

The not scared NOW part

I need to not be scared.

I need to keep building this page so it can be a resource to others. Where others may find amazing connections through the commets sections of posts to people who will be with them forever on their journey. I want to be the facilitator of those dream connections. I don’t need to be within each connection, I just need to help it ingnite.

This totally does happen. It happened to me right here on WordPress by floating around random infertility blogs. Finding that support team was one of the best things for me about blogging through my infertility journey. Those girls were my sisters and I still hold them close to my heart. You need people. It’s important.

People and love goddam it.

So here I am rambling on valium about my fears and ideas when what really I want to convey is that I am coming back to this space and I’m going to try my level best to make it truly great.

After all

We are great. We are warrior women. We can achieve great things. Even the moving mountains kind of things.

We DO achieve great things.

And even greater things are there for us all if we want to face our fears and reach out and grab them.

I’m facing my fear. I’m reaching out. This is my time to do something and see if I can’t be the facilitator of some hope and love. That’s what I’m peddling here. Hope and love. Want some? Then please stick around. There will be enough for you too.

PS Valium equals a lot of words. I edited in less of a state but tried to keep it true to the feeling. I hope it comes off well!

Lite ‘n’ easy – does it totally suck or just a little bit? A review.

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**psst…this is NOT a sponsored post. I paid a full $161 AUD for my food this week and all of my own volition. But hey, if you want to sponsor me Lite ‘n’ Easy, don’t hold back!**

I bit the bullet last week and finally signed up to the Full Monty of Lite ‘n’ easy meal plans: 7 breakfasts, lunches and dinners including morning and afternoon tea totalling a whopping (haha) 1200 calories per day. EVERYTHING I will eat in a day comes via these guys. I figure I can do this full version for a week or two and check out portion sizes and breakfast and lunch options and then I’ll start weaning myself off one meal at a time. Like breakfast for example, I reckon I can get right off that within a couple of weeks. The menu is really varied so I should get plenty of ideas for when I’m preparing it myself.

Anyway, I figured it would be fun to give you the blow by blow for the first week so if you are out there and curious and considering giving this a go then you know what to expect.

Things I like Continue reading “Lite ‘n’ easy – does it totally suck or just a little bit? A review.”

Running regression

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As you might suspect from the insanely original title of this post, I am facing a bit of a running regression at the moment.  I think it is down to reduced fitness. I quite the personal trainer about a month ago now. M said he wouldn’t pay for it anymore as it wasn’t “working” ie I wasn’t getting skinny enough. And then he said he would and then he said he wouldn’t and then we were separating and it just isn’t in my budget when I already have a gym membership anyway.

But the gym isn’t so easy as the toddler doesn’t go well with people she doesn’t know – the only way we can change that is to make her go more often but it’s a bit of  trial and I feel bad at the moment as she is spending more time without me due to the separation and it is making her more clingy. I don’t want to push her.

Continue reading “Running regression”

Post-partum weight loss

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I gotta be honest here – I am struggling big time with that last 5kgs of post-partum weight after this 2nd baby. I want to call it infertility weight but really, I can’t claim that. You see, I did exactly what I did last time when it came to the whole post-partum thing. I lost almost all my pregnancy weight within the first 2 weeks. Women everywhere hated me after my first as 2 weeks pp I was back into those skinny jeans. Can anyone say biatch?

Then I worked out that breastfeeding makes my food intake so forgiving so I began to eat all the cake because THE BABY NEEDS CALORIES! Continue reading “Post-partum weight loss”

Alone Time 

Getting any sort of alone time post kids is pretty much a rarity. Getting extra sleep time, well that’s just a pipe dream. Even if you do trade offs with your partner for sleep-in days the reality of that is rarely as good as it sounds. My kids come looking for me anyway and I can hear all the noise and carry on from the room so I can never actually sleep if they are up and in the house. All I’m really getting is a lie-in to check Facebook and that’s not really that awesome. 

So this is why I am sitting here right now in a cafe at 745am writing a post. What I really want to be doing is sleeping a bit more – I’ve been up since 4am and it’s not even the baby’s fault, I’m under the weather and my eyes hurt. I was going to go for a run so had M down for daddy duty but when I went in to put my running gear on I almost cried thinking about the energy it would require to actually run today. At that point I thought, ok maybe a run isn’t the best choice. 

But M was booked so I thought I’d make use of the time anyway and go for breakfast but as I backed out of the driveway all I could think was how much I’d rather be back in bed as opposed to out for breakfast. What I need more than anything is for someone to take my kids for a little overnight visit somewhere so I can park my arse on the couch and nap nap nap then binge Netflix but what mum ever gets a chance to do that? Alone time is out time and that is just the way this particular cookie crumbles. I think this works ok for super outdoorsy extrovert types who regenerate through being out and around other people but I am a home body and I regenerate with my life around me and my couch under my butt.

Back when I was a single parent with only S to look after I used to get these recharge days every weekend. He’d go for 25 hours with his dad each weekend and most weekends I literally did not move from the couch. I know, I know, you social types are positively horrified by the thought but seriously, it really worked for me. We had an active social life together when he was at home anyway so I’d usually maxed out on face-to-face time (yes beautiful extroverts, this is actually possible!). 

Anyway <spoiler alert> I’m now a single parent again but this time with two kids. Explains why I haven’t posted for awhile but is really  a post for another day so I won’t go too in depth here but let me just say, once we firm up access I am really looking forward to my recharge days. When you are in a good co-parenting arrangement, as I have been fortunate to be in, the whole single parenting thing actually isn’t too bad. It’s like most of the sucky things in life – if you have support, you can pretty much deal with anything with strength. If you don’t have this strength right now, lean on me. I have a contact me page where you can send a private email and I am always in the comments here. Please don’t be alone. 

Anyway, so here I am, alone with my thoughts and now a coffee at what is now 8:03am. I’m alone and loving it but tired, so tired. To all those getting proper lie-ins and sleep: you suck…just a little bit. Mwah. 

Deciding to expand your family post infertility

Once you’ve experienced an infertility diagnosis the decision to then go on and expand your family can be pretty harrowing.

What I didn’t mention last week when I posted on whether or not we would attempt to expand our family to include a third child is that on that particular day I was in a really dark place about it.

It was a place of true fear. I was afraid of having another child at a gap I couldn’t handle but then afraid to wait lest I never be able to have another at all. Nothing really seemed like the right solution. Do I choose to be sad now or do I never have another baby and live with the lingering sadness forever?

In this situation there is no choice without sadness.

Continue reading “Deciding to expand your family post infertility”

Doing the run shuffle

Running is such an unpredictable beast. Some days you soar like an eagle when you didn’t even feel like moving off the couch (a la my ParkRun on Saturday) and others, it is a shuffle to the very end even though the desire to run is great. That was my experience today.

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Today, I wanted to run with everything I had. Continue reading “Doing the run shuffle”